Cutting the Cord

Our family has recently made the decision that we will be moving. We'll be moving to a place that's about 8 hours away from here. I'm filled with a mixture of emotions at the moment.

My parents are extremely distraught over this decision and feel as though I'm leaving them and taking their granddaughter with me.

Mom said some things to me today that hurt very much... insulting things about my spouse. I'm leaning on God to carry me through this, and I know He will. I believe this is the right decision for my family, even though it is not pleasing to my parents. I'm so grateful for the support I have through my friends and especially my church family... please keep me in your prayers.

Family Drama

My mother-in-law has moved in with us again, but this time I have a different mindset about it. I believe that God is going to keep bringing this situation into my life until I learn how to correctly deal with it... So, here are my resolutions for this time in my life:

• I resolve to TALK TO her, rather than about her.
• I resolve to ASK for help when I need it from her.
• I resolve to LOVE her like Jesus does.
• I resolve to ENCOURAGE her and BUILD her up, especially in regards to her relationship personal with God.
• I resolve NOT to let BITTERNESS take root in my heart.

She moved in on Friday evening, and today is Wednesday. That means we've made it through 4 full days together, and so far things are going well. (past the 3-day rule :))

The hardest part has come in relating to my own mother... On Sunday we had a disagreement. My parents took the princess for the afternoon. They picked her up at about 2:00pm, after church and lunch. I made the mistake of not talking through time expectations on the front end. So when 5:30pm came around, hubby and I were casually talking about our plans for the evening. We decided to go ahead and go pick her up so that we could get on with dinner and the rest of our Sunday evening.

When I called mom to let her know I was on my way, she was very surprised and upset that they didn't get to keep the priness for longer. When I arrived, the finger pointing began... Already she associated this situation with my mother-in-law, who had nothing to do with the decision to pick up the princess. I didn't know what to say, so I really didn't say much at all while I was there.

I gave her some time to cool off and called her the next day. I told her that I wanted to clarify with her that there was no ill-intention in the situation that had ocurred. We were simply trying to move on with our Sunday evening. To my surprise (and relief), she didn't give a response. She just said "Ok," and we got off the phone.

This morning she called me and was ready to talk about it. She explained how hurt she was by the situation and told me she had cried all night on Sunday. I told her that that was not my fault, that only she can control her feelings and responses. All was said in a very calm voice, but I also told her that she was acting like a child, and I had taken away her play toy. Of course, she didn't enjoy this conversation in the least. (But she did refrain from yelling at me, which was an improvement over the last time!)

Then she confronted me with a truth that convicted me, which I definitely needed to hear. She told me that I had "thrown her under the bus" by exposing her thoughts that she had shared with me in regards to my mother-in-law. She was right. I already knew this, and in fact had already apologized to my mother-in-law for that very thing. What I didn't realize was that it was actually doing more harm to my own mother than to my mother-in-law. I apologized to her and admitted that I knew I had messed up. I hope she can forgive me, and I hope that God will help us to somehow get out from under this mess. Whatever happens, I have the peace that God is with me through it all.

God is GREAT! ALL THE TIME!

Letting Go

Last week I had the privilege of joining the staff of my local church in a day of retreat. It was an honor to be included in the session, and I learned a lot about myself in the process. The session was led by an amazing leader and author, Tim Durkin. He said many many things that got my mind and heart stirred up!

Among them, one of the things that stuck with me was the concept of not adding things to my "To-Do" list, but instead beginning a "Let-Go" list. He talked of the concept of wood carvings - a process of subtracting, rather than adding, to create a beautiful masterpiece.

Later that evening as I thought about our retreat, it suddenly hit me (like one of those 2x4's that God likes to hit us with every now and then) that perhaps I need to "let go" of my in-laws. What? Really? It was like a huge weight instantly lifted itself off my shoulders...

Why have I been pressuring myself to help them change their perspectives on God and life? How arrogant of me... I can't do that! Only God can do that. And I'm afraid that in the midst of this pressuring myself, it's entirely possible that I've unintentionally pushed them the opposite direction.

I so grateful that I am now free from the bondage of pressuring myself to be a perfect example, to be a perfect disciple, to say the perfect words at the perfect time. I am now free to be myself, to love others for the people they are... what an amazing feeling!

Today I got to put this to use... I had the pleasure of visiting with my brother over lunch. He is a little younger than me and has a mental illness. In the past, I have not been very close to him. I've made great efforts to say things to him that might encourage him to grow in relationship with God, but I've not spent much time with him. But today it was on my heart to go visit him, and I am grateful that I did.

Before I went inside I prayed that God would bless our time together, and He truly did. My brother and I had one of the very best conversations we've ever had. I know that the reason is because of what I stated previously... I was no longer pressuring myself to say what I thought I should say to him. Instead, I genuinely enjoyed my time with him, loving him for the person he is right now.

Thank you, Lord, for opening my eyes. Thank You for revealing to me this truth. Thank You that your yoke is easy and your burden is light!

Serve where you ARE (#2)

Since my last post, I've had a bit of a roller coaster going on emotionally. I was "slowly fading" (as the Casting Crowns song says). Not to the point where I did anything I regret, but just feeling more and more distant from God. I know that it was partially because we went out of town several weekends in a row, which meant I missed both church and my Christian accountability group that meets on Saturday mornings.

As I write this, I realize that this is great reinforcement of the importance of being a part of the Church - the body of Christ. Being in fellowship and worship with other believers rekindles the light of the Holy Spirit within us. Away from the body, we begin to fade back into focusing on ourselves, which is exactly what was happening to me. I was beginning to try to take back control of my life, rather than seeking and obeying God's will. Despite the fact that I work for the church, I was overwhelmed by stress and dread of some of the duties I had to fulfill. I was an emotional nightmare to my husband. The joy and peace of God was not flowing through my eyes, my words, my actions.

A couple of weekends ago we went to visit my in-laws in another town. As we were driving home after our visit had ended, it occurred to me that I often act like a completely different person when I am in their home than I do when I'm in my own home (and not in a good way, but in a slightly more lazy, less concerned for others' well-being kind of way... What's up with that?!) They do not attend church, and they tend to focus on a lot of negative things in life. It drains me, and I don't enjoy being with them for long periods of time. But that's not the kind of person I want to be. That's not "serving where you ARE."

I want to be consistent and stable, and overflowing with the peace, love, and grace of God - to be the way God intends me to be - regardless of my environment or my present situation.

My brother-in-law is in the Army and has been serving in Afghanistan. He was scheduled to come home sometime in June. Since he was enlisted, I hate to admit I have not done much to support him in Christian love. We sent a couple packages to him, but even that wasn't consistent. I think we sent a total of 2-3 packages over the last 6 years, and they often didn't arrive by Christmas as we had originally intended. We had never made an intentional effort to welcome him home when he arrived home for leave. But this time I was convicted. It was very clear to me that we needed to be at the Army base when he arrived. My husband didn't even think it was very important to be there to welcome home his brother, but I knew that it was.

I was persistent about this one, because I knew that this simple act of driving 2.5 hours to welcome him home would show him with a real action (not just words, saying that we love him and support him), but by making a sacrifice to be there in person for him. And it did. We only actually saw him for a total of maybe 20 minutes. But it didn't matter - it was more than worth it. He was so incredibly humbled and thankful that we had taken time away from work to welcome him home. And we were so grateful that we got to share in that special moment with him, and that he got to hold our daughter, his neice, who he hadn't seen in many many months.

I am making these declarations regarding my relationship and my role with my in-laws:

• I do believe that there is a reason that God brought me together with my husband.
• I do believe there is a reason I have become a part of this family by marriage.
• I do believe that I am to serve God in all places and all situations.
• I do believe that God loves every single person regardless of their appearance, their attitude, their sins, or anything else.
• I do believe that I make a difference in people's lives.
• I do believe that it is up to me to allow the Holy Spirit to work through me.

Serve where you ARE

I've been getting several messages over the past couple of months in regards to serving others. Scripture says "we are refreshed by serving others"... specifically, I've thought about working at a battered women's shelter, a homeless shelter, or in a prison ministry. A place where people are experiencing pain and who are in dire need of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

I've been feeling called to share the message of hope, peace, and faith, that God has brought into my life... to speak with individuals and share my joy with them, to share my testimony with them, to pray for them and reassure them of the love God has for each and every one of them.

Sounds wonderful, but there's just one problem... TIME. I am a mom of a toddler, a wife, co-chair of my church's Hospitality Team, and I work full-time... In give each of these things the attention they deserve, I can NOT commit to anything else that will take me away from them.

But there is something I can do... there is a very special way in which I can fulfill this specific calling. I can serve people WHEREVER I AM.

Now that I've realized it, it sounds so simple... I don't have to seek out a specific ministry or program to belong to or to volunteer with... I can BE a ministry. My own ministry...

Instead of going wherever I go (like most people do, myself included), focused on myself and the things I need to get done... I can actively seek opportunities to be a witness for Christ to the people I encounter each day.

Prayer:
Lord, help me to recognize the opportunities you place before me each day, to get over any fears or reservations I have as a human being and talk to the people I encounter. Help me to be a witness for You in this world... to walk in the Spirit, not in the flesh.

Walking in the Spirit

After I left our meeting, I headed to the airport. Throughout that evening I felt as though I was truly walking in the Spirit. I had a number of encounters with people, with whom I shared the light of Christ.

#1) I crossed paths with one of the members of our group several times before we went through security. I was glad he waited for me on the other side of the security booth. We both had some time before our flights, so we decided to grab some dinner together.

His was one of the perspectives in our meeting which tended to see many of the negative aspects of the group. I felt there was a reason God brought us together for this time... so that I could share my positive "rose-colored-glass" perspective with him.

We ended up having to wait 20 min for a table, and then enjoyed a casual relaxed dinner... and spent a total of probably an hour and a half together. When we first began talking, I heard nothing but negativity and felt lots of tension in him.

Throughout our time together we shared personal stories and testimonies of ways in which God is working in our individual lives, and by the end of our time together, his demeanor was completely different... I saw the light of Christ shining in his eyes!

I believe we were both refreshed and renewed by our time together.
It only gets better from here...

#2) After hugging him goodbye, I went over to my gate. I sat next to another member of our group, who happened to be on our same flight, and on my left were 2 complete strangers. When the member sitting to my right (who I knew well), left to go to the restroom, I looked over into the eyes of the two men on my left and gave them a big smile and said "Hi! How are you?"

The smiles that these men responded with undoubtedly showed me they were grateful for the friendly hello. I found out they did not know each other, and we chatted briefly. One of them was headed back home from a business trip, and the other was headed to visit his sister and deal with estate issues after a recent death in the family. I shared with them that I work for the church, to which the latter of the two responded "That's great! Spread the Word!"

He was an older man, somewhat heavy, his hair balding on top, and with a long pony tail down his back. He did not look the type of person I would normally associate with or talk to... but what a wonderful conversation we ended up having! He clearly had a strong faith, and knew many Bible verses, but he had not been involved in a local church in recent years. I could see and hear in his voice that our conversation stirred his spirit, and he talked about wanting to get back into a church. I am praying for him that he finds the right one!

#3) On the airplane, I spoke with the man seated next to me. He was a middle-aged white man, who had also been traveling on business and was headed back home. He seemed somewhat timid and reserved, but we had a pleasant conversation. I found out he attends a Catholic church. We shared some stories regarding parenting and the struggles/ worries involved, and we both expressed our personal feelings and beliefs that God provides the strength we need to get through these parenting struggles.

At one point, he shared with me that his son, now 22 yrs old, had suffered from sleep apnea. He now uses a c-pap machine (or however you spell that?), and the result is an amazing difference in his energy level! There it is... a message from God, sent through another member of the Body of Christ...

You see, I have reason to believe that hubby suffers from sleep apnea. We recently spoke with a doctor about it, and even scheduled a sleep study. However, we ended up cancelling it because of the expense (not to mention the fact that hubby really did NOT want to do it... out of his comfort zone). Sounds like we need to move forward with it afterall.

#4) Earlier in the evening, when I was at dinner, I saw a man who is a member of my church back home. He had been traveling on business, and was waiting to get on the same flight I was on to get back home. Coincidence??? I think not. I think God had a plan for bringing us together too, as he did with the others I've already mentioned...

I had asked my mom to pick me up from the airport and take me home that night, but now it suddently occurred to me that this fellow church member would already be at the airport and would probably be willing to drop me off at my house! Sure enough, when I asked him, he said he'd be glad to help.

Again, he is a person who I've felt some pretty negative, not-so-hopeful vibes from. I was especially energized, and when I got in the car with him, I exclaimed "I'm on fire for God!" I shared a few things with him that I had learned in our meeting, things our church is doing to further God's kingdom here on earth. I don't really know what our conversation did for his perspective, but I know I did my part. I planted a seed... it's God's job to water it and help it grow.

#5) To get to my fellow church member's car, we rode in a bus. The bus was pretty full, so I held on to a bar and prepared to stand for the ride. Immediately, a hispanic gentlemen stood up and offered his seat to me. I thanked him and sat down next to another hispanic man.

I smiled and asked the man sitting next to me how he was doing. He said he was doing great, and his smile was great! We chatted a little, but nothing deep, and at one point he pulled out a book he was reading... something about Latino Ministry... so I asked him what he did for a living, and he told me he works for the church (actually, for one of the conferences within the same denomination as me!) How cool is that?!? Turns out he actually knows my boss and some of the folks I work with...

All of his happened in just ONE NIGHT.... It blows my mind to think about it.... It is truly AMAZING how God can work through each of us and connect us to each other, if we will just open up and let him... if we will just let go of our fears, and allow ourselves to open up to the stranger sitting next to us!

If we will walk in the Spirit, instead of in the flesh....

The calm after the storm

Last week was fast and furious... incredibly exhausting, and yet energizing at the same time... I guess that's how you know you're in the right place...

The people at this meeting inspire(d) me in so many ways. Of course, there are some really negative perspectives out there, and a lot of complaining tends to happen at these "church meetings," but I tend to see the good.... I think it's good to vent, to share frustrations and talk things out. You can't really accomplish anything unless you do that!

The conversations that took place filled me with excitement, passion, and hope for the future. The constant responsibilities I had kept me moving each day, beginning at 7:00am and ending about 11:00pm. Yes, long days, I know... but I really did enjoy it! I was serving others in one of the ways for which God created me. I admit I whined a little about the exhaustion, but I don't know that I ever stopped smiling!

Now that it's over and I'm back home, I'm feeling quite different - kinda depressed really. Although I have much to do to get organized from all of the stuff "accomplished" at the meeting, it's so quiet, and I miss the crazy hub-bub and the interaction with all the people. Some people are completely drained by these types of meetings. I am the opposite... I believe they are where I shine the brightest.

Prayer for today:
Lord, please remind me and fill me again with the passion and hope that I felt while serving at the meeting last week. Energize me to keep the momentum going, so that I may complete the tasks and organize the things that need to be organized, in order that our group might be able to truly accomplish the goals they established at their meeting last week. Guide me, Lord, through each moment of this day. Help me to stay focused and deliver me from the temptation to be dragged down into feelings of depression. You are my hope, my strength, my healer in all things! AMEN.