Cutting the Cord

Our family has recently made the decision that we will be moving. We'll be moving to a place that's about 8 hours away from here. I'm filled with a mixture of emotions at the moment.

My parents are extremely distraught over this decision and feel as though I'm leaving them and taking their granddaughter with me.

Mom said some things to me today that hurt very much... insulting things about my spouse. I'm leaning on God to carry me through this, and I know He will. I believe this is the right decision for my family, even though it is not pleasing to my parents. I'm so grateful for the support I have through my friends and especially my church family... please keep me in your prayers.

Family Drama

My mother-in-law has moved in with us again, but this time I have a different mindset about it. I believe that God is going to keep bringing this situation into my life until I learn how to correctly deal with it... So, here are my resolutions for this time in my life:

• I resolve to TALK TO her, rather than about her.
• I resolve to ASK for help when I need it from her.
• I resolve to LOVE her like Jesus does.
• I resolve to ENCOURAGE her and BUILD her up, especially in regards to her relationship personal with God.
• I resolve NOT to let BITTERNESS take root in my heart.

She moved in on Friday evening, and today is Wednesday. That means we've made it through 4 full days together, and so far things are going well. (past the 3-day rule :))

The hardest part has come in relating to my own mother... On Sunday we had a disagreement. My parents took the princess for the afternoon. They picked her up at about 2:00pm, after church and lunch. I made the mistake of not talking through time expectations on the front end. So when 5:30pm came around, hubby and I were casually talking about our plans for the evening. We decided to go ahead and go pick her up so that we could get on with dinner and the rest of our Sunday evening.

When I called mom to let her know I was on my way, she was very surprised and upset that they didn't get to keep the priness for longer. When I arrived, the finger pointing began... Already she associated this situation with my mother-in-law, who had nothing to do with the decision to pick up the princess. I didn't know what to say, so I really didn't say much at all while I was there.

I gave her some time to cool off and called her the next day. I told her that I wanted to clarify with her that there was no ill-intention in the situation that had ocurred. We were simply trying to move on with our Sunday evening. To my surprise (and relief), she didn't give a response. She just said "Ok," and we got off the phone.

This morning she called me and was ready to talk about it. She explained how hurt she was by the situation and told me she had cried all night on Sunday. I told her that that was not my fault, that only she can control her feelings and responses. All was said in a very calm voice, but I also told her that she was acting like a child, and I had taken away her play toy. Of course, she didn't enjoy this conversation in the least. (But she did refrain from yelling at me, which was an improvement over the last time!)

Then she confronted me with a truth that convicted me, which I definitely needed to hear. She told me that I had "thrown her under the bus" by exposing her thoughts that she had shared with me in regards to my mother-in-law. She was right. I already knew this, and in fact had already apologized to my mother-in-law for that very thing. What I didn't realize was that it was actually doing more harm to my own mother than to my mother-in-law. I apologized to her and admitted that I knew I had messed up. I hope she can forgive me, and I hope that God will help us to somehow get out from under this mess. Whatever happens, I have the peace that God is with me through it all.

God is GREAT! ALL THE TIME!

Letting Go

Last week I had the privilege of joining the staff of my local church in a day of retreat. It was an honor to be included in the session, and I learned a lot about myself in the process. The session was led by an amazing leader and author, Tim Durkin. He said many many things that got my mind and heart stirred up!

Among them, one of the things that stuck with me was the concept of not adding things to my "To-Do" list, but instead beginning a "Let-Go" list. He talked of the concept of wood carvings - a process of subtracting, rather than adding, to create a beautiful masterpiece.

Later that evening as I thought about our retreat, it suddenly hit me (like one of those 2x4's that God likes to hit us with every now and then) that perhaps I need to "let go" of my in-laws. What? Really? It was like a huge weight instantly lifted itself off my shoulders...

Why have I been pressuring myself to help them change their perspectives on God and life? How arrogant of me... I can't do that! Only God can do that. And I'm afraid that in the midst of this pressuring myself, it's entirely possible that I've unintentionally pushed them the opposite direction.

I so grateful that I am now free from the bondage of pressuring myself to be a perfect example, to be a perfect disciple, to say the perfect words at the perfect time. I am now free to be myself, to love others for the people they are... what an amazing feeling!

Today I got to put this to use... I had the pleasure of visiting with my brother over lunch. He is a little younger than me and has a mental illness. In the past, I have not been very close to him. I've made great efforts to say things to him that might encourage him to grow in relationship with God, but I've not spent much time with him. But today it was on my heart to go visit him, and I am grateful that I did.

Before I went inside I prayed that God would bless our time together, and He truly did. My brother and I had one of the very best conversations we've ever had. I know that the reason is because of what I stated previously... I was no longer pressuring myself to say what I thought I should say to him. Instead, I genuinely enjoyed my time with him, loving him for the person he is right now.

Thank you, Lord, for opening my eyes. Thank You for revealing to me this truth. Thank You that your yoke is easy and your burden is light!

Serve where you ARE (#2)

Since my last post, I've had a bit of a roller coaster going on emotionally. I was "slowly fading" (as the Casting Crowns song says). Not to the point where I did anything I regret, but just feeling more and more distant from God. I know that it was partially because we went out of town several weekends in a row, which meant I missed both church and my Christian accountability group that meets on Saturday mornings.

As I write this, I realize that this is great reinforcement of the importance of being a part of the Church - the body of Christ. Being in fellowship and worship with other believers rekindles the light of the Holy Spirit within us. Away from the body, we begin to fade back into focusing on ourselves, which is exactly what was happening to me. I was beginning to try to take back control of my life, rather than seeking and obeying God's will. Despite the fact that I work for the church, I was overwhelmed by stress and dread of some of the duties I had to fulfill. I was an emotional nightmare to my husband. The joy and peace of God was not flowing through my eyes, my words, my actions.

A couple of weekends ago we went to visit my in-laws in another town. As we were driving home after our visit had ended, it occurred to me that I often act like a completely different person when I am in their home than I do when I'm in my own home (and not in a good way, but in a slightly more lazy, less concerned for others' well-being kind of way... What's up with that?!) They do not attend church, and they tend to focus on a lot of negative things in life. It drains me, and I don't enjoy being with them for long periods of time. But that's not the kind of person I want to be. That's not "serving where you ARE."

I want to be consistent and stable, and overflowing with the peace, love, and grace of God - to be the way God intends me to be - regardless of my environment or my present situation.

My brother-in-law is in the Army and has been serving in Afghanistan. He was scheduled to come home sometime in June. Since he was enlisted, I hate to admit I have not done much to support him in Christian love. We sent a couple packages to him, but even that wasn't consistent. I think we sent a total of 2-3 packages over the last 6 years, and they often didn't arrive by Christmas as we had originally intended. We had never made an intentional effort to welcome him home when he arrived home for leave. But this time I was convicted. It was very clear to me that we needed to be at the Army base when he arrived. My husband didn't even think it was very important to be there to welcome home his brother, but I knew that it was.

I was persistent about this one, because I knew that this simple act of driving 2.5 hours to welcome him home would show him with a real action (not just words, saying that we love him and support him), but by making a sacrifice to be there in person for him. And it did. We only actually saw him for a total of maybe 20 minutes. But it didn't matter - it was more than worth it. He was so incredibly humbled and thankful that we had taken time away from work to welcome him home. And we were so grateful that we got to share in that special moment with him, and that he got to hold our daughter, his neice, who he hadn't seen in many many months.

I am making these declarations regarding my relationship and my role with my in-laws:

• I do believe that there is a reason that God brought me together with my husband.
• I do believe there is a reason I have become a part of this family by marriage.
• I do believe that I am to serve God in all places and all situations.
• I do believe that God loves every single person regardless of their appearance, their attitude, their sins, or anything else.
• I do believe that I make a difference in people's lives.
• I do believe that it is up to me to allow the Holy Spirit to work through me.

Serve where you ARE

I've been getting several messages over the past couple of months in regards to serving others. Scripture says "we are refreshed by serving others"... specifically, I've thought about working at a battered women's shelter, a homeless shelter, or in a prison ministry. A place where people are experiencing pain and who are in dire need of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

I've been feeling called to share the message of hope, peace, and faith, that God has brought into my life... to speak with individuals and share my joy with them, to share my testimony with them, to pray for them and reassure them of the love God has for each and every one of them.

Sounds wonderful, but there's just one problem... TIME. I am a mom of a toddler, a wife, co-chair of my church's Hospitality Team, and I work full-time... In give each of these things the attention they deserve, I can NOT commit to anything else that will take me away from them.

But there is something I can do... there is a very special way in which I can fulfill this specific calling. I can serve people WHEREVER I AM.

Now that I've realized it, it sounds so simple... I don't have to seek out a specific ministry or program to belong to or to volunteer with... I can BE a ministry. My own ministry...

Instead of going wherever I go (like most people do, myself included), focused on myself and the things I need to get done... I can actively seek opportunities to be a witness for Christ to the people I encounter each day.

Prayer:
Lord, help me to recognize the opportunities you place before me each day, to get over any fears or reservations I have as a human being and talk to the people I encounter. Help me to be a witness for You in this world... to walk in the Spirit, not in the flesh.

Walking in the Spirit

After I left our meeting, I headed to the airport. Throughout that evening I felt as though I was truly walking in the Spirit. I had a number of encounters with people, with whom I shared the light of Christ.

#1) I crossed paths with one of the members of our group several times before we went through security. I was glad he waited for me on the other side of the security booth. We both had some time before our flights, so we decided to grab some dinner together.

His was one of the perspectives in our meeting which tended to see many of the negative aspects of the group. I felt there was a reason God brought us together for this time... so that I could share my positive "rose-colored-glass" perspective with him.

We ended up having to wait 20 min for a table, and then enjoyed a casual relaxed dinner... and spent a total of probably an hour and a half together. When we first began talking, I heard nothing but negativity and felt lots of tension in him.

Throughout our time together we shared personal stories and testimonies of ways in which God is working in our individual lives, and by the end of our time together, his demeanor was completely different... I saw the light of Christ shining in his eyes!

I believe we were both refreshed and renewed by our time together.
It only gets better from here...

#2) After hugging him goodbye, I went over to my gate. I sat next to another member of our group, who happened to be on our same flight, and on my left were 2 complete strangers. When the member sitting to my right (who I knew well), left to go to the restroom, I looked over into the eyes of the two men on my left and gave them a big smile and said "Hi! How are you?"

The smiles that these men responded with undoubtedly showed me they were grateful for the friendly hello. I found out they did not know each other, and we chatted briefly. One of them was headed back home from a business trip, and the other was headed to visit his sister and deal with estate issues after a recent death in the family. I shared with them that I work for the church, to which the latter of the two responded "That's great! Spread the Word!"

He was an older man, somewhat heavy, his hair balding on top, and with a long pony tail down his back. He did not look the type of person I would normally associate with or talk to... but what a wonderful conversation we ended up having! He clearly had a strong faith, and knew many Bible verses, but he had not been involved in a local church in recent years. I could see and hear in his voice that our conversation stirred his spirit, and he talked about wanting to get back into a church. I am praying for him that he finds the right one!

#3) On the airplane, I spoke with the man seated next to me. He was a middle-aged white man, who had also been traveling on business and was headed back home. He seemed somewhat timid and reserved, but we had a pleasant conversation. I found out he attends a Catholic church. We shared some stories regarding parenting and the struggles/ worries involved, and we both expressed our personal feelings and beliefs that God provides the strength we need to get through these parenting struggles.

At one point, he shared with me that his son, now 22 yrs old, had suffered from sleep apnea. He now uses a c-pap machine (or however you spell that?), and the result is an amazing difference in his energy level! There it is... a message from God, sent through another member of the Body of Christ...

You see, I have reason to believe that hubby suffers from sleep apnea. We recently spoke with a doctor about it, and even scheduled a sleep study. However, we ended up cancelling it because of the expense (not to mention the fact that hubby really did NOT want to do it... out of his comfort zone). Sounds like we need to move forward with it afterall.

#4) Earlier in the evening, when I was at dinner, I saw a man who is a member of my church back home. He had been traveling on business, and was waiting to get on the same flight I was on to get back home. Coincidence??? I think not. I think God had a plan for bringing us together too, as he did with the others I've already mentioned...

I had asked my mom to pick me up from the airport and take me home that night, but now it suddently occurred to me that this fellow church member would already be at the airport and would probably be willing to drop me off at my house! Sure enough, when I asked him, he said he'd be glad to help.

Again, he is a person who I've felt some pretty negative, not-so-hopeful vibes from. I was especially energized, and when I got in the car with him, I exclaimed "I'm on fire for God!" I shared a few things with him that I had learned in our meeting, things our church is doing to further God's kingdom here on earth. I don't really know what our conversation did for his perspective, but I know I did my part. I planted a seed... it's God's job to water it and help it grow.

#5) To get to my fellow church member's car, we rode in a bus. The bus was pretty full, so I held on to a bar and prepared to stand for the ride. Immediately, a hispanic gentlemen stood up and offered his seat to me. I thanked him and sat down next to another hispanic man.

I smiled and asked the man sitting next to me how he was doing. He said he was doing great, and his smile was great! We chatted a little, but nothing deep, and at one point he pulled out a book he was reading... something about Latino Ministry... so I asked him what he did for a living, and he told me he works for the church (actually, for one of the conferences within the same denomination as me!) How cool is that?!? Turns out he actually knows my boss and some of the folks I work with...

All of his happened in just ONE NIGHT.... It blows my mind to think about it.... It is truly AMAZING how God can work through each of us and connect us to each other, if we will just open up and let him... if we will just let go of our fears, and allow ourselves to open up to the stranger sitting next to us!

If we will walk in the Spirit, instead of in the flesh....

The calm after the storm

Last week was fast and furious... incredibly exhausting, and yet energizing at the same time... I guess that's how you know you're in the right place...

The people at this meeting inspire(d) me in so many ways. Of course, there are some really negative perspectives out there, and a lot of complaining tends to happen at these "church meetings," but I tend to see the good.... I think it's good to vent, to share frustrations and talk things out. You can't really accomplish anything unless you do that!

The conversations that took place filled me with excitement, passion, and hope for the future. The constant responsibilities I had kept me moving each day, beginning at 7:00am and ending about 11:00pm. Yes, long days, I know... but I really did enjoy it! I was serving others in one of the ways for which God created me. I admit I whined a little about the exhaustion, but I don't know that I ever stopped smiling!

Now that it's over and I'm back home, I'm feeling quite different - kinda depressed really. Although I have much to do to get organized from all of the stuff "accomplished" at the meeting, it's so quiet, and I miss the crazy hub-bub and the interaction with all the people. Some people are completely drained by these types of meetings. I am the opposite... I believe they are where I shine the brightest.

Prayer for today:
Lord, please remind me and fill me again with the passion and hope that I felt while serving at the meeting last week. Energize me to keep the momentum going, so that I may complete the tasks and organize the things that need to be organized, in order that our group might be able to truly accomplish the goals they established at their meeting last week. Guide me, Lord, through each moment of this day. Help me to stay focused and deliver me from the temptation to be dragged down into feelings of depression. You are my hope, my strength, my healer in all things! AMEN.

ARGH...

Various frustrations going on right now...

1) Hubby just informed me that the freezer door was left open overnight, and everything in it is not even cold... in other words, ruined.
This is extremely frustrating, especially since we're short on cash at the moment, and we had a LOT of venison steaks, sausage, frozen pizzas, fish, etc out there.

2) I have a hospitality team meeting tonight. I love being a part of this group, but every time I have one of these meetings, my hubby gets irritated and gives me a hard time because it takes me away from home on a weeknight (which means he has to be in charge of the princess and the pets).

3) We are BROKE at the moment. Kind of ironic really... Financial Peace University inspired us to use our debit card instead of credit card. Trouble is, our income doesn't always come in at the right times to be able to cover all of the expenses we incur right away.

Hence the reason we got hit with an NSF fee last week... Fortunately, I called and they were gracious enough to credit it back. But then last night I sat down and went through the checkbook again and found that we're already almost back to that point again! I know Dave Ramsey would advise against it, but I've resolved that we must use our credit card to keep from getting NSF fees.

I will still do the envelope system for groceries, restaurants, clothing, etc. But I will use my Visa credit account to pay for things I can't avoid or change (medical costs/prescriptions, Vet bills, and tolls/gas). We'll see how that plan goes...

Feels good to vent...

Approval Addiction

I kind of had an epiphany this morning... (I mean I guess I knew it before, but today I really admitted it openly to myself...)

I have been addicted to approval from others all my life, but especially from my mom.

I remember times when I was younger when mom and I would have an argument, and it would completely ruin my day. I didn't feel right again until I had talked to her and apologized for whatever it was I had done (or didn't do), and had once again regained her approval.

Since becoming a mom myself, I have begun to care less about what my mom thinks. But I still relaps from time to time. This is such a hard thing, because mom and I have always been very close. I've always been able to tell her everything, something for which I am extremely thankful!

Growing up means not telling mom everything. I now have to make wise decisions about what I can and can't talk to my mom about.

I have learned that I cannot talk to my mother about these things...

1. issues concerning my in-laws
2. my relationships with my husband
3. things my husband does that bug me

The first one I have nailed down now, and have actually had a conversation letting mom know that I will not talk to her about these things. The second two I am still working on. It will take a lot of prayer and constant effort to train myself to not talk to my mom about these things.

Kickin' it in high gear

Busy Busy Busy!!!

I spent all morning at Office Depot getting our information binders put together and all set for printing. Even with all that's been done so far, we will have several other things to be printed that we'll have to manually add to the binders on site!

It's just part of the job... getting ready for these meetings is crazy at the end. There are so many things that just can't be done ahead of time. And even those that did get done ahead of time sometimes change at the last minute...

I know it sounds crazy, but I have to admit that it's fun... My head is absolutely spinning (and has been all week) with all the little things that have to get printed, copied, shipped, cut, communicated, etc. etc. etc... but I know that it will all fall into place with the very capable assistance of the Holy Spirit.

My house is a WRECK....

I hate that this house is such a mess right now...

The floors are disgusting. The dishes need to be done. The toilets are gross. The bathtub is moldy. The office is a disaster. There are baby toys everywhere. The puppy has peed on the carpet numerous times. Ick... Ick... Ick...

The good thing is I don't feel like a worthless incapable mom/wife for letting my house get to this point... and I kinda used to do that... But I know that if I don't get it looking better soon, it's going to drive me nutty. Hubby will be home tomorrow, so I've given him some assignments and am hopeful that he will complete them. :)

Today was an extremely busy day at work. Only 11 days left until our big meeting. Made lots of headway, but brain feels like mush.... time to get some rest!

Meal Planning

Over the past few weeks, hubby and I have started trying a new process... Each Sunday we come up with a meal plan for the week... I had heard of this idea before and thought "I'm not that disciplined. There's no way I'll ever be able to stick to something like that..."

But I must say, after trying it for a few weeks, it has been extremely helpful! I used to always dread that inevitable question when talking to my hubby on the way home from work... "Baby, what's for dinner????" Now I have this new found freedom, because every evening (well, most evenings anyway - we're not perfect, and not even going to try to be) I know what we're having for dinner!

The other cool thing is that because we plan ahead a little bit, we're able to make some really yummy and different things! In the past our menu typically consisted of only those things that are easy to pull together at the last minute (you know, like sloppy joes, chicken sandwiches using frozen breaded breasts from Sams, frozen pizza... that kind of stuff).

Recently we've had exciting things like Chicken Fried Venison with seasoned pan-fried potatoes, Carribean Jerk Pork Chops with cheddar broccoli, Bacon-wrapped stuffed Venison round steak, Fried Crappie with fried okra and onion rings from scratch... I'm talking some really good stuff!

It's a great day!

It's not a pretty day outside today, but it doesn't matter. Today is a great day... I can feel it... I am energized by the message from Joyce Meyer that I listened to on the way to work this morning (from her Approval Addiction audio book)... Love yourself! Keep on keeping on... we often become successful through our failures... man, that's great stuff. I love it. God sends so many amazing messages through Joyce Meyer, and I am most grateful for those messages! Her ministry is helping me to grow by leaps and bounds.

I love my work... I love my family... I love my life... I am so blessed in SO many ways. I am filled with the grace and peace that can only come from the Holy Spirit this morning. Today's scripture on my daily calendar is:

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19

Amen!!

Procrastination & ADHD

We have our big meeting coming up in 2 weeks for work... holy cow, I can't believe it's that close! I'm amazed at how these things sneak up on me... as if I haven't known it's been coming since I started this job back 8 months ago... Working for the church, we have everything planned out in for-year cycles, so I know these things are coming... Twice a year we have a big meeting, of which I am responsible of many of the details such as communications, creating and printing materials, shipping items to the hotel, etc. Fortunately I don't have to arrange all of the travel & accommodations for our members, but I do have to double check to make sure all members have their accommodations arranged.

I've learned this procrastination thing is a very common trait of ADHD, which I was recently diagnosed with. Funny how having that diagnosis is kind of helpful (because it gives it a name) but yet it doesn't really help the struggle with it!

Medication -
I tried Vyvanse first, but it didn't work well for me... Not only did it not really help me focus, I couldn't sleep while I was taking it! Not a good thing for a working mother of a toddler not to be able to sleep!

I am now on Focalin, which seems to be working fairly well. I'm not sure it's the best solution yet, but I'm hoping to use this blog as a tool to be able to look back and see progress or not, whichever the case may be...

Prayer for today:
Lord, thank you for the work you have called me to do, for the talents you have given me to complete this work. I am so grateful for all of the blessings you have bestowed upon me and my family. Please watch over me today and guide my hands, so that the work I do might glorify you. Help me to focus on the "Big Rocks" that need to be done this day, so that this upcoming meeting will be well organized and run smoothly.... not to glorify myself, but for the sake of aiding the work that these committee members will do at this meeting, to further your kingdom through the United Methodist Church. Amen.

Journey toward Financial Peace

We... well, I have been doing Financial Peace University through our church. Dave Ramsey is AWESOME. He teaches the most basic lessons on managing money, and yet so many of us are absolutely terrible at this stuff! Our society teaches that it's actually a good thing to have debt... amazing how well they've tricked us all into believing the lies.

Anyway, we're in week 8 now, and have been making some pretty great progress with our personal financial situation. (Even though hubby has only joined me for one class, he's pretty much on board with the goals.) I have created a cash flow plan (budget), and it's really helped to shed some light on the way we've been spending our money...

Here's just one small example - I calculated that in the few months before we started this class, we were spending anywhere from $700-900 a month on food (restaurants & groceries). Now that we're actually using cash (the envelope system) to pay for these things, we spend no more than $500 a month on food! ... wow, $200-400 a month... that adds up FAST!

There are a few worries here, like getting my husband to join me in this envelope system thing - he keeps using his debit card for fast food, and that's not way it's supposed to work!

...but mostly I'm excited about the process of beginning to get a handle on this money thing! This class has been a HUGE blessing to me...

Go to www.daveramsey.com if you want to look into a class near you! And I promise I'm not getting paid to put this plug here - I'm just REALLY passionate about this! :)

Setting Family Boundaries

We've been studying boundaries in my Sunday School class for a few months now... This has been something I've know I needed to do for a long time, especially since we had our baby...

Recently I got in a huge argument with my mom, because she kept asking me questions about things my husband felt, said, etc. (Specifically, this was related to a business venture that my dad started up, and he hired my husband as a contractor... and mom was made CEO of the company.) There were a couple conversations in which I tried to gently explain that she or dad needed to talk to my husband, rather than talking to me about these things... but she would just get angry that I was "withholding information".

It finally all blew up when she called me one morning and asked me if he was going to work that day... and I told her I didn't to be in the middle of it. She responded "Too bad! You are in the middle of it"... and I said, no, I'm drawing a boundary here... She proceeded to yell at me, so I hung up on her, believing that I didn't deserve this treatment. I cried as soon as I did it, but I knew in my heart that I had done the right thing.... finally, after all these years, I've drawn a healthy boundary with my mom....

That night we talked some more, and she told me that we've been spending too much time together and that we need to allow some more space. I thought that was good, and I agreed with her. She also expressed to me that she felt taken advantage of in regards to babysitting our daughter. (She's always expressed to me that she loves spending time with her granddaughter and seemed to want every opportunity she could get... Who wouldn't take advantage of that?!?) I told her that I was glad she told me, that I was glad she was setting a healthy boundary with me! She didn't like my response... I guess I didn't get emotional about it, she felt like I didn't care or something.

The really freeing thing about all this was that it was the first time I can remember not caring what she thought. I knew I was doing the right thing for myself and my family (and ultimately for my relationship with my mom too), and it felt great!

Since then, mom and I have talked as though nothing even happened... which I must admit worries me a little... I am praying that God will help me to be strong and reinforce this boundary thing each time it comes up!

MRI #1

Yesterday we took my daughter to have her MRI done. The half hour leading up to it was filled with anxiety, much of which was self-induced. I woke up about 6:30am (needed to be at the facility to fill out paperwork at 7:45am -- this did NOT give me enough time to take care of the animals, get a shower, eat breakfast, get the baby changed and ready, and get loaded into the car. I skipped the shower and just threw on some jeans and a t-shirt. Didn't even put in contacts. I was already starting the day off track...

We left the house at 7:45, and it's a 10 minute drive without traffic. I got to the facility, and there are 2 buildings that are connected (but of course they have the same address). Of course I went into the wrong one (would've been nice if someone had given me a heads up about which one it was). I was not happy... Said a few choice words that I know I shouldn't have said. It was now 8:00am, the time of her appointment, and I had to load the baby, diaper bag, purse, etc, back into the car so I could drive 5 seconds to go to the other building.

Fortunately my mom had gotten there a little earlier that we did, so she was able to start filling out paperwork. No one said anything about us being late, so it wasn't a big deal.

They put her under anesthesia (gas), which only took about 20 seconds to put her to sleep. The test took about 45 minutes. She was pretty groggy after waking up, but she did well overall. She had her first sucker ever, which she really enjoyed! She was so cute - she knew exactly what to do with it!

MRI #2

Took our daughter for her 2nd MRI yesterday morning... This one didn't take quite as long as the first one, so she came out of it quicker from the anesthesia too. We were home by 8:30am and hung out for a couple hours before heading to her appointment with the neurologist.

The good news is it’s not a large mass or tumor or anything like that. The bad news is, we still don’t really know what it is… There’s what appears to be an enlarged vein in her brain, but there’s no way to know at this point if it’s just a part of her development and will go down on its own, or if it’s something called cortical dysplasia… which if that’s the case, that would be causing the seizures.We will be doing another MRI in the next 3-6 months to check it again and see if any changes have occurred. Until then, it's just keeping up the anti-seizure medicine and praying and hoping that all will turn out ok...

At this point I don't even really know what I'm feeling or thinking about all this... I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and yet somehow still filled with the peace of God. He truly is an amazing God... I can't begin to comprehend how moms can survive these types of things involving their children without faith in God. Without Him, I would be nothing. I would be a pitiful, emotional wreck.

Fear of the unknown

Today I got a call from the pediatric imaging facility, telling us that we need to bring our daughter back in for a 2nd MRI, with contrast...

OK... so what does that mean? The guy who called didn't know of course.. he was just calling to schedule it. So I put a call into the neurologist to get some more answers as to what they're seeing/looking for...

Got a call back from the nurse this afternoon, and it's still clear as mud... She says there are "increased signals" in a certain part of the brain. In order to see better what's going on, we have to do another MRI with contrast... this has been scheduled for next Wed, 4/22.

Puppy Love... and Puppy Stress :)

Our family has grown by four paws! I admit it was somewhat impulsive, but we got a new puppy for Easter...

He's only 6 weeks old, and he's quite rambunxious... but he's a real cutie! We had been talking about it for a while, because our 2 year old black lab has seemed kind of lonely... and wouldn't you know, some friends of ours from church just happened to end up with one of those unexpected litters of beautiful mixed-breed puppies (aka "mutts") that they needed to find homes for....

Thus, here we are... our lab isn't sure what to think of the little guy yet, but hopefully they'll warm up to each other soon.

I'm not sure this was the smartest thing to do right now, because it really is like having another newborn baby in the house... another thing to add to my physical exhaustion... but, we made the decision, so now we must face the consequences and take good care of the little guy. We are crate training him, and he's not quite making it through the night yet... but it will get better.

In a way, I think it's good training for us to see what it will be like when we decide to have another baby. Our daughter already gets jealous when I'm holding or playing with the puppy instead of her!

Seizures are no fun

Yesterday my 14 month old daughter had a seizure. It wasn't the first one she's had, but it was the first one that was not caused by fever (they call those "febrile seizures"- she had two of those a few months back). We learned that those are fairly common, but now that she's had this one unrelated to fever, it's got me pretty worried.

She is our first child, our beautiful baby girl sent straight from heaven for us to care for... and it seems like it's been a constant battle of sickness since she was born... Sinus infections, ear infections, RSV, and now seizures. Why does God let thess things happen to such perfect little ones, who can't even tell you what they're feeling? It's not fair.

I am emotionally and physically exhausted, and yet I know that I am supposed to "cast all [my] anxiety on him, because he cares for [me]" - 1 Peter 5:7